Speaking of losing, what does one do when they have lost everything? When everything you worked for is gone. When the stress of the effort placed into a task is now made invalid? When the thief of agony replaces the joy of success? I saw darkness
Well actually I didn’t lose everything…. it only felt like I did! It’s perspective really. When I got hurt and had to leave fire fighting involuntarily the pain physically and emotionally was, at that time, intense. Don’t get me wrong it still hurts! My heart sinks when I see emergency lights and I still get a little ping of excitement when I hear sirens. My back continues to hurt to this day. Even typing to you at this moment.
“When the thief of agony replaces the joy of success? I saw darkness”
The question I placed for examination was “Did I lose everything” and the answer is no. It felt like I had everything ripped from me. I could barely interact with my children for years. My ex-partner was going through her own dark period and could not support me. I turned to alcohol and video games. I avoided people and stayed inside my office for days, to months, to years.
I had an afternoon where everything clicked for me and things had to change. I could not see worth in myself, my identity was built on how much I could produce and how much I could provide for my family…. both obliterated in just one day. I had become inflexible; married to an idea of value. In that idea, a flaw really, I had become of no use. I became a depressed, physically disabled drunk.
It was on that afternoon that I died and came back someone else… to be continued